The Fear…

Photo by Vincent Tan on Pexels.com

This title picture seemed appropriate for this post this morning. I am scared of what the near future brings and i can’t see a solution right now. My redundancy is finalised on the 23rd of November, just like that i will be jobless. All because of the bulls**t that is covid-19. This thing has cost millions of people their livelihoods and it looks like i am one of them. At first i was excited for a new opportunity and the fact that now i had been given the chance to do something i’ve always wanted to do…. There are two major problems with this… 1: I don’t KNOW what i want to do. I’m not particularly great at anything! I am pretty good at a few things but great at absolutely nothing. I mean, i can eat an entire cake to myself, but i really don’t think there’s a job in it! Number 2: There are almost NO jobs to be had. In this current climate there are thousands of people applying for the one job and there will always be someone out there better and more qualified than me. I have GCSE’s an that’s it… I didn’t finish college and I didn’t go to university, instead i got pregnant and had my first kid at 17. I loved being a stay at home mum and i was for the majority of my kids lives. I finally went into full time work when my youngest daughter was 6 and i loved that too… I liked being my own person and not just a parent! I missed spending all the school holidays with them and i hate working Christmas eve, but i loved the independence that came with it. Now my anxiety is doing over time, what if i can’t find a job? What if there is nothing i’m good at besides being a housewife and mother? Then what? We would probably manage for a few months and be okay but that’s it. I spend a lot of time during the day job hunting and and applying for various positions, in all honesty it’s draining. Especially when you hear NOTHING back. I mean i get it, thousands of people are applying for one job, but it’s still frustrating.

I am trying hard not to complain too much because i know there are people out there who are in a worse position than me, but the fear of failing is strong right now. Today I will write this blog, complete a job search and hopefully several applications then i am going to park my sizeable arse in front of the TV for a while with a nice brew. The housework will still be there in an hour or two. My house is quiet and calm after shipping all the kids off to school and nursery….usually i hate the quiet but today i welcomed it! I feel like i could crack into a million tiny pieces and I would rather do that without my children here to bear witness!! I know that finding a job is important unfortunately it’s for different reasons than it was a few years ago! A few years ago i wanted my identity back, because as much as i love being a mum i wanted to be my old self sometimes too. Then though, my job became a living necessity as the price of living rose and as we had our fourth child. Job searching seems more daunting somehow when you need the job to live as opposed to wanting a job just for yourself! So…. If the universe would like to give me a lottery win or my dream job (whatever THAT is!) i would be extremely grateful.

I wish i was better at things but i also wish that the “university of life” was a real thing i could put on my CV! I have had kids and raised them, i have mental health issues, i look after my other half and i was brought up with a mother who suffers from mental health issues too. I have experience in BUNDLES, apparently just not the right type. If anyone knows of any jobs going that includes eating cake, reading books or writing then please let me know!!

I hope you all have an amazing Tuesday…love V xxxx

Published by anxiousmum87

33 year old mum of 4 living in sunny Yorkshire... Anxiety sufferer and chocoholic..

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