I am well aware that i have been MIA for a while…. Well a week. I really wanted to be able to post something funny and lighthearted, but unfortunately, i haven’t been feeling very funny or lighthearted at all, not even a little. In fact my anxiety has decided that it’s time for a flare up of all the symptoms i get when my anxiety is at it’s worst… It may seem strange to some people but i know that there are people out there who KNOW what i am talking about…. Sometimes my anxiety shows itself in the form of random panic attacks, other times it makes me poorly with actual physical symptoms besides an anxiety/panic attack. SO for the past week or so i have endured, nausea and vomiting, constant stomach discomfort, headaches, chest pains, weakness, body aches and stiffness alongside days with no appetite and days where i ate to feel sightly better. Thankfully this isn’t something that is a constant, but the flare ups are always hard to deal with, i am a 33 year old mother but when these flare ups happen i feel like i am 100 years old and my body will crumple any minute!
Anxiety is bad enough when i ‘just’ have the panic attacks but the actual feeling of a full blown illness is what bothers me and before anyone is wondering if i have some underlying condition… I have had all the tests done. The same conclusion has been reached every time, i have an anxiety disorder. And if you’re worrying about my children, there is no need. In fact they are what keep me going most days, even though i may feel like wallowing in bed and feeling sorry for myself, or even sleeping until this horrible feeling goes away, i don’t because i have my children to care for. Don’t get me wrong, on my worst days Chris has sent me to bed or for a bubble bath to try and make me feel better, but since it doesn’t always help i try my best to drag myself through the day with a smile on my face… I can always go to pieces when they’re sleeping, right?
When i am like this, i can’t sleep either, i have raging insomnia that sees me playing stupid games on my phone until silly o’ clock in the morning. On the nights i do sleep, it isn’t for very long and its usually unsettled because my anxiety gives me nightmares, but not the unrealistic kind with demons and monsters, but the all too realistic vision of my son running into a road and being hit by a bus or my daughter going out to her friends and not coming home…. The type of nightmares that make you welcome the insomnia, because at least you won’t wake up crying and shaking and soaked with sweat. These nightmares are what make my anxiety peak during the day sometimes, flashbacks of a nightmare will enter my head and make me breathless causing an anxiety attack . I know that ALL parents are protective of their children but sometimes i find it difficult to keep myself from becoming too OVER protective and these nightmares make it hard not to cross that line. Hard but not impossible…. I’m not like regular mums, i’m a cool mum… 😉
There is no rhyme or reason to this blog really, just me attempting to be honest and getting some stuff off my chest… I know that there will be some people out there who think that talking like this is bad thing but i guess i would like to see it normalised. I spent a long time being embarrassed about my anxiety, especially when i was first diagnosed. I was mortified. But only because i was really worried about what people would think of me, i have heard some of the things people said about others and if i’m honest, it made me a little paranoid. I’ve been open with my older children about my anxiety, i had to be, i would hate for them to think that any of my issues were down to them or anything they have done. If i’m having a particularly bad day i will let them know, just so that i know they understand if i seem quieter or out of sorts.
I hate the idea that anyone with a mental illness feels as though they can’t talk about it because others don’t want to hear it. Pretending that something doesn’t exist wont make it go away! In fact it could make it ten times worse. And for those who think that anxiety isn’t a “real mental illness” i ask you to do your research. Imagine being so much in your own head that you can react to things in a ‘normal’ calm manner, simply because your body won’t let you… I HATE having anxiety, but i don’t want that to define me. In some ways i am even grateful for it because it made me take better care of myself. Okay so my diet hasn’t been great, but it helped me take more notice of my mental health and well-being instead of pretending i was always okay. I know that i am seen as strong person by quite a few people but i needed to make myself realise that it’s okay to not be that person 100% of the time. I am there for my loved ones whenever they need me and i can be strong for them when they need me to be, but i don’t have to be that person all the time. I’m only human.
I’m also thankful to my anxiety for helping me remove myself more easily from toxic situations without feeling guilty. If it wasn’t good for my mental health, i wanted nothing to do with it. Sometimes distancing yourself from the toxicity is the only way the heal. Even if some people see it as running away, i don’t care. I have enough going in my life without having to worry about the feelings of manipulative, judgemental, arseh*les. Some people seem to think that they have the right to give you their opinion even when you haven’t asked for it…. these are the people that I have distanced myself from. Not even on purpose but subconsciously. Clearly my mind knows me better than i know myself and i am okay with that! Now that i think about it the input from these people made my anxiety and mental health so much worse. Any relationship can be toxic, whether it be toxic friends or toxic family, it doesn’t have to be a romantic relationship to be toxic. Any person who thinks that manipulation and judgement are okay because they see it as ‘advice’ or their opinion or anyone who thinks that they have the RIGHT to voice their opinion even when you haven’t asked for it, these are the kinds of people i have no time for. Giving me your unwanted opinion to disguise being judgemental, then resorting to nastiness when I don’t do what you expected OR wanted, is just another form of bullying and i have no time for it. If people dislike the way i live my life they can now just remove themselves from it. I am done pretending that someones unwanted opinion is needed or even contemplated when in fact it’s just white noise now,
Anxiety is a bitch and some days it absolutely has my life… But some days it makes me take better care of myself because i have to be careful about what i can and can’t tolerate. It makes me take my mental health more seriously… So while i hate having it and living with it… I am grateful for the changes it made me make.
I hope you having an amazing day, Love, v xxx