How in the dickens is it Monday already? I feel like i have just blinked and missed the entire weekend! Its’s getting closer and closer to being back to normal and i’ll be honest that terrifies me a bit! Lock-down has been hard don’t get me wrong, but it’s been nice to have a legitimate excuse to back away from some people 🙂 I’m also dreading being back at work… If i could just win the lotto or become a millionaire overnight, that would be perfect, i think being a lady of leisure is right in my wheelhouse!
However, this blog is about this weekend and the dreaded trip to the supermarket. Now we didn’t need a ‘big shop’ i just needed to find the things missing from my online shop…There was a LOT! So Saturday morning, while my son was ‘helping’ daddy fix the car (it actually ended up MORE broken somehow!), i did a mad dash with my eldest daughter (no judgement, i can’t shop alone due to my anxiety at the minute and Chris was up to his elbows in engine parts and grimy oil). SO…. When we got there there was NO queue.. None at all… Thinking that was a good sign and it mustn’t be that busy we grabbed a mini trolley and sauntered in… INSTANT REGRET! The second we hit the fruit isle we cold see the state it was in… There were people practically shoulder to shoulder while squeezing mangoes and sniffing tomatoes… I was gripping the trolley so hard that my knuckles were white and my fingers ached. My daughter manoeuvred me into another isle, thinking it would be better, yet it was somehow worse. there seemed to be people everywhere, queuing down the isles for checkouts standing side by side as they inspected things before PUTTING THEM BACK! This was NOT the way i wanted to spend a saturday!
Anyhoo… I pulled my girl pants up and did a quick shop that would have put supermarket sweep champions to shame. I internally yelled at someone who invaded my personal bubble while i externally gave him the daggers. I was shaking the entire time, despite my daughters attempts to make me think of something else, but i made it through the checkouts and i packed up my shopping before legging it outside… Into the pouring rain… obviously. First, when I have removed myself from the situation that was causing me panic the relief is instantaneous and palpable. I stood in the rain for a few seconds just to get my bearings, the we set off walking home…I must have walked for about 5 minutes before relief turned into something else. I couldn’t breathe properly, my chest felt like it had an elephant sat on it and i was starting to shake uncontrollably… Our house was literally 3 minutes away, if i was going to go to pieces then i wanted to do it in my own home….
I made it home in record time, my daughter talked me down the whole way home, talking about anything and everything to keep my mind occupied. It worked until the second i hit the doorstep. i dropped my shopping bags on the floor, crawled up the stairs and curled up on my bed soaking wet clothes and all… After a few minutes the pain in my chest became unbearable and so did the tightness. I stripped all my clothes off and curled up under my quilt, shaking, hyperventilating and crying… Not the ladylike sniffly tears as you see in the movies OH NO..I’m talking full on wailing sobs with tears and snot running down a face that was so contorted Quasimodo would run away screaming! I laid there in my bed for about half an hour waiting for the attack to subside….Then a little blonde head popped up under my quilt followed by skinny arms and legs… and hands that were holding an unwrapped half melted KitKat. According to my 3 year old the KitKat was for me, i mean i ate it, because..you know…chocolate.. And it didn’t even have any bites out of it..Win! Then in a tone that would have made me proud if i hadn’t spent half an hour forgetting how to breathe, he said “have you finished?” His facial expressions matched mine to a T as he threw my own line back in face that we used when he was throwing one of his tantrums…. “have you? are you done?” I tried explaining that mummy needed a few more minutes to be met with a death glare and then “well i need a poo and you have to wipe my bum, I’ll shout you when i’m finished so i don’t get poop on the walls.” He scrambled off the bed and left me actually laughing to myself… Say what you want about it, he got my sizeable arse out of bed a lot quicker than anyone would have …. Even if it was just to stop him redecorating my loo with eau de shit….
I got through the panic attack, it drained the life out of me as it always does, but i got through it. It’s strange how something so un-physical can leave you feeling as if you have just run a marathon while carrying a bag of house bricks on your back! I woke up yesterday morning feel unrested and unsettled which has carried through to this morning. I know that this particular attack was a bad one because i am still feeling it today… There’s still a slight tingling in my hands and legs and i still haven’t fully stopped shaking, it feels like i’ve been sat on a washing machine for a long time. The sad thing is, this isn’t new for me. When my anxiety was at it’s worst it effected me for two full months, 24 hours a day, it got so bad i was sent to the hospital as they thought i had developed a heart problem… I even ended up having months off work while i was under investigation. So while this is no picnic, i’ve dealt with worse, i know that this is just something i will have to live with and if i ever get REALLY stuck i always have my son threatening to poop paint my walls to propel me out of bed 😉
Have a fabulous week…you deserve it..love, V xxx