Lockdown….. The worst thing to happen to my diet since… I don’t know… Cheese?
I honestly think i must have put on about 2 stone and i really wish i was exaggerating! Oh i wake up and start my day all full of good intentions… wake up, bran flakes with semi skimmed milk and banana, melon and fat free yoghurt for snack and a lovely jacket potato with tuna and salad for lunch…. Great right? Until i got bored and decided to bake a fresh cream Sicilian lemon cake…Even though i had said i wouldn’t bake again for a while…the same as EVERY day. I then decided to have bbq marinaded chicken and fat chips for tea (fat chips in our house are chips cooked in oil) with full fat coleslaw and ALL THE CHEESE. While i was prepping and cooking i was eating doritos and dip, handfuls, and not just the relatively healthy salsa dip but full fat sour cream dip. Of course i HAD to have the cake for dessert…. and i had to have a slice the size of a doorstop… Now as i type this i am eating peanut butter sandwiched between hobnobs and dairy milk chocolate while drinking tea. I CAN’T STOP!! I am eating right now and all i can think about is what i can eat tomorrow… What is wrong with me? i start out so well and then by bed time i have usually eaten enough snacks and junk to feed 10 people…. 5 packets of crisps, a dozen chocolate bars, a bowl of whatever chocolate cereal we have in the cupboard and whatever i decided to bake that day….. With cream on it.
My food bill has almost doubled and i can’t even say that I am shocked by it. I can’t stop eating, my kids can’t stop eating, my other half can’t stop eating…. We are all constantly eating, nibbling, snacking.. whatever. There is a constant stream of food being shoved into our mouths…I must be an emotional eater, i eat during any emotion.. I eat when i’m happy, when i’m sad, when i’m bored, when i’m tired, when the kids have annoyed me so much that only nutella eaten from the jar with a dessert spoon will help…. I thought it might just be me, but, turns out that my little sister, my aunt and my best friend all have the same affliction. We eat for the sake of eating…We start out so well and then eat everything in sight.. Seriously. Another week and even the cushions won’t be safe!
I know i need to exercise and eat better but i can’t seem to bring myself to do it! The thought of exercising when i’m this size fills me with all sorts of dread… All my flabby bits wobbling about while some sports bra squashes my boobs in some half arsed attempt to keep them contained like a zoo animal. Then having to come home and nibble at something that looks an awful lot like cardboard instead of stuffing myself full of the bad stuff i want… like crisps and deep fried mars bars…
I want to sit in my bra-less state in my baggy pyjama shorts and drink wine from the bottle with a curly straw while eating the deep fried mars bar and i want to do it without worrying about it… But i can’t! Unfortunately i also can’t stop bloody eating! Its the worlds most ridiculous vicious circle… A circle that i am beginning to resemble. Chris keeps telling me he doesn’t care, he loves me as i am and while i appreciate it, i could also give him a slap for it. Maybe if i was worried he was going to leave me for a younger skinnier model it would propel me into the mindset i need to start my much needed health kick…. Although sharing my bed with a family sized box of Ferrero Rocher doesn’t seem like such a terrible thing.
I clearly have some odd issues around food…. Here i am sat next to a guy that has just told me that he loves me no matter what i look like and here i am comparing him to chocolates… Poor Chris! Anyway… i know that eventually i will have to give myself a kick up the butt and start looking after myself… I just don’t think that lockdown is the time to do it… I bake out of boredom and i’m pretty good at it.. Then of course someone has to eat the products of all the baking… As N’Sync once said ” It’s gonna be me”…
Happy Thursday. Love, V xxxx