What even is the well deserved title of this particular blog… Why? I hear you ask…Let me fill you in on this mornings events so far! I woke up at 6:30am and i as I began to type this time read 8:30am, so in the past two hours the following have happened (I wish i was making this up for comedic purposes but sadly I’m just not that creative!). First i made myself a cup of tea, instead of coffee. Doesn’t sound too bad right? WRONG! When i opened the cupboard i saw a lone teabag just sitting there, annoyingly i felt sympathy for this little disregarded teabag, so in the cup it went. I poured on the hot water, without paying much attention to the colour or the smell of said brew, added milk and took a massive gulp….. Before promptly decorating my kitchen sides, floor AND cupboards as i sprayed the hot NOT TEA everywhere. In my half asleep state it would appear that i had thrown a watermelon and strawberry teabag into my cup and NOT my favoured Yorkshire tea. Now, i don’t mind a fruit tea, in fact i quite enjoy them from time to time, but mixing fruit tea with milk is just WRONG!! Especially since i like a strong brew, it needs to be terracotta in colour otherwise it’s just not worth it…. My poor mouth thought it was being poisoned…. Never again will i feel sympathy for a lone teabag, not ever, it can stay on the shelf for eternity for all i care!!!
Now… that was only the first incident of the morning. The bad luck, continued. After throwing away the drink of evil, i made myself a much safer coffee and sat down to drink it. Two sips in my tiniest turd appeared at my side, the cutest little sleepy look on his face, and shouted that he needed to PEE now, “RIGHT NOW MUM IT’S COMING OOOUUUTTT!” Trying not to laugh at the annoyance on his little face, i told him to quickly go for a wee. A few seconds later i realised I hadn’t heard footsteps go up the stairs, so i snuck out of the kitchen and what did i see? My 3 year old stood at the back door peeing into THE GARDEN!! I stood behind him and i raised my voice. “Just what do you think you are doing?!” Tiny turd jumped and spun round, spraying pee all over my legs, slippers and hallway floor…. Before telling me it was my fault for making him jump. “Why are you weeing here? Why not go to the toilet?” His answer was simple enough for a 3 year old….. “The toilets upstairs.” I tried explaining that we don’t wee in the garden, it’s disgusting and it’s rude and we just don’t do it. “But the cat and dogs next door do it mummy.” It was far FAR too early in the morning to be explaining to a three year old the differences between animals and humans… So, for now we’ve agreed that it won’t happen again and that any more toilet habits in the garden will result in his favourite sweets being removed from the cupboard. His ominous “okay mummy if that’s what you say” threw me a little, how does a 3 year old sound so cute and so threatening at the same time?
Now i know what you’re all thinking, surely that is it!! Well my friends, you’d be wrong! Shortly after the first two incidents i took myself and my boy upstairs to brush his teeth and to attempt to wake up the comatose forms that were his big sisters.We brushed our teeth with no major issues, a little toothpaste in my hair, but that’s just expected now! we disturbed his sisters and agreed that they could sleep until 9:30 since we did have a late night last night and they were, apparently, “too tired to move right now.” I swear my back was turned for about 30 seconds…. I heard tiny turd laughing to himself, the sound coming from my bathroom. Part of me contemplated going downstairs and leaving him to it….I honestly thought about it, instead i dragged myself to the bathroom where i skidded, like a character in a kids cartoon, into the sink winded myself and hit the floor landed in a something sticky…. I won’t lie….My first though was ‘oh my god. It’s SHIT.’ I sniffed, carefully, and thankfully (i use it loosely at this point) i smelled bubblegum…. I was thankful for about 5 seconds and then realised that the smell was actually my shampoo… My EXPENSIVE shampoo…if i’m being completely honest, landing in crap would have been better than this!! I spent the next 20 minutes cleaning my bathroom floor and wondering how illegal it might be to sell a child on Ebay…and whether or not it would be worth it!
And no, that is NOT all….. the final instalment in this mornings events was not caused by my 3 year old but by myself, sometimes i wonder how i made it to 33! After i had cleaned the bathroom and dressed the tiny turd and gone downstairs, i put his jacket on ready for his daily outing with daddy…. I waved goodbye at the gate and turned to go back into the house…. Or i would have if i hadn’t closed the door behind me and LOCKED MYSELF OUT!!! So, there i stood in the cold, in mismatched pyjamas, bra-less and shoe-less. I knocked on the door hoping, praying, that one of my girls would hear it and come rescue me. Nothing. Five minutes of knocking and NOTHING! At that moment i was just thankful not to have an audience, no sooner had i thought it than, “Morning love. You alright?” Oh no, no no no no….. Plastering a massive fake smile on my face i nodded, “fine thanks love. How are you?” I ignored the odd smirk and waited for him to leave before banging on the door again….. Again… this time i heard a voice… “Mum, dad? THE DOOORRR!!” I banged again and shouted “IT’S ME!! LET ME IN!!!” The door swung open to show my 15 year old daughters face, it was NOT amused….”How did you manage to lock yourself out AGAIN?” (i won’t elaborate on how often this happens. i’ve embarrassed myself enough!) “And by the way, i can see your nipples through that t-shirt. I’m going for a shower since I’m AWAKE!” Awesome… so not only had i poisoned myself, been pee’d on, winded myself AND locked myself out…..The smirking neighbour had also copped an eyeful, (My anxiety will have a field day with that FOREVER). Suddenly my hubby’s idea for an 8 foot fence didn’t seem as stupid as it did 6 months ago. Irony…. What a bitch!
As far as Tuesdays go, this one has been pretty crappy so far and it’s only early. I’m sure there’ll be some other acts of universal interference, it’s probably KARMA and i just don’t know what for. Could be for lying to my kids FOR YEARS about Santa, could be the fact that, sometimes, I tell my son the ice cream van music he thought he heard was actually the van from the naughty boys centre, making sure all the children are staying in. It could be a million things, it could be for things i no longer remember or things that i did while drunk (albeit a LONG time ago. No joke, wish i WAS joking.) Maybe i am just THAT clumsy or stupid and it’s just life’s way of reminding me that stupidity isn’t something we grow out of…..
I hope your day is infinitely better than mine…. I shall get no rest today i assure you. Even if i sit down for five minutes i can guarantee that my brain will conjure up questions like “what was the person who discovered milk ACTUALLY doing?” OR “Is there any such thing as expecting the unexpected.? If you’re expecting the unexpected, you’re expecting it, so how can it be unexpected?”
Happy Tuesday, may it be bearable wherever you are. V xxx